“Are they all yours?”
“You’ve got your hands full!”
“Do you need to see a doctor?” (I was asked this by a man in Taco Bell the other day!)
“I don’t know how you do it!”
“When can we schedule you for a tubal?” (From a nurse just an hour after the birth of our second!)
“You just set a record for the longest grocery receipt I’ve ever printed out!” (from the checkout guy at Dillon’s)
Ultimately, I realize most people are trying to be either helpful or friendly. And I’ve actually had some great discussions (and learning experiences) that started with unsolicited advice. But just for laughs, I wanted to share some of the funniest comebacks I found floating around the Internet:
Are they all yours?
“Of course they are all mine. Do you think I take 6 young children shopping just for kicks?”
“No, and I have no idea why all these children are following me!”
“No. I run a daycare that only accepts children who look exactly like me.”
“Yes! Isn’t God wonderful?”
“Why? Is there one you would like?”
“Yes, and they’ll be paying your social security and disability one day.”
You do know what causes that, right?
“Yes! Would you like me to tell you about it?” OR
“No, I don’t. Will you explain to me exactly how it works?” (with a very innocent expression)
“Of course I do. It’s the stork. Everybody knows that!”
I don’t know how you do it!
“I drink. Copiously.”
“I’ve actually been institutionalized. I’m out today on a pass.”
“I don’t know how you don’t!”
“Thanks to your tax dollars, I can!”
You must be one very busy woman!
“Actually, the children do all the work and I just sit around watching soap operas and eating chocolate.”
“And you must be the genius of your family!”
Do you ever get any time for yourselves?
“Obviously we do, or my husband and I wouldn’t have all these children.”
“Every once in a while, I get to go to the bathroom alone. And it’s awesome.”
You’ve got your hands full!
“Yes, I do. Would you like to help?”
“And you’ve got some broccoli stuck between your teeth!”
“I’d rather my hands be full than empty.”
“And this is only half of my family!”
You might want to see a doctor.
“I’m in perfect health. However, you obviously need your head examined.”
“Conceiving a child means that something went right not that something went wrong.”
“I’ve got an appointment scheduled with my midwife next week!”
Are you planning to have more?
“Let me check with God real quick.” (pause) “Ok, He says it’s none of your business.”
“Yeah. We’re not going to stop until we have an ugly one.”
“Yep, as long as the government subsidies keep coming.”
“Of course. When you are as smart and as beautiful as I am, it’s in the public interest to keep procreating.”
“I plan. God laughs.”
You know there’s something you can take to prevent that!
“Oh yeah, everybody knows about aspirin.”
(Looking around at all your children) “And which one would you suggest I should have prevented?”
“Wait a second. Is this a sales pitch?”
How do you afford to feed them all?
“I’ll fax you a copy of our budget.”
“I’m a total gold digger and married a rich man.”
“I accept cash and checks. Would you like to make a free will donation?”
“We can’t. Everything we own is on credit cards, my husband just lost his job and we’re about to file bankruptcy. Thanks for asking…..”
“All of our children work the night shift here at Wal-Mart.”