We think that children who have manners are the ones who listen.
They hear something, and they do it even though they don’t necessarily know what it means. “Go say hello,” “Give Grandma a hug,” “Do what the teacher says,” and so on. And when our children do as we say, we feel proud.
This is both good and bad.
Yes, respect IS important, and it’s important to teach your kids that. The problem is when a child blindly follows whatever an adult says because they learned they had to. No questions, no second-guessing, do what you’re told, or else. Basically, no critical thinking, which is bad, obviously.
But does anyone really feel comfortable bringing up a child who can’t say no? Would you feel safe if you knew your child would do something that makes them uncomfortable because an adult told them?
I can’t overestimate the importance of teaching boundaries to kids, and you need to be clear about the fact that those boundaries apply to adults, too.
Why a Lot of Kids Feel Like They Can’t Say No
An acquaintance I have in Michigan recently had to look into Michigan accused clergy lawyers because of an incident that happened with her child while in church.
Now, I don’t exactly know all the ins and outs, but in the alleged incident the child thought saying “no” wasn’t an option, and so the parents were uninformed. The reason they even found out was that there was yet another incident with another child.
So, that got me thinking. Why would a child feel like he isn’t allowed to say no?
Here’s a quick picture for you:
A kid is sitting in a living room full of their relatives, all chatting around them. An adult they hardly even know has just come in, and they’re reaching to hug the kid. The kid freezes, but they hug the adult back because it’s what they always do. It’s an adult, after all. It’s not like they can be rude.
And if nobody ever told them that the pit they get in the stomach is something to pay attention to, they’ll ignore it.
Most children learn a very specific set of rules when it comes to how to act around grown-ups. They have to say hello and goodbye, they have to shake hands, hug, smile, do what they’re told, etc. It starts as manners their parents taught them, but it slowly turns into rules. And once manners become rules, kids go along with whatever because they think they have no other choice.
Children want adults’ approval, which is okay.
But approval and blind trust aren’t the same. If the kid feels like they’re not allowed to question anyone, or have strong opinions, that’s not right. But since kids are afraid of disappointing adults, they stay quiet. It seems safer to them.
Over time, kids will have learned to ignore the little voice inside that tells them this situation isn’t right.
If they’re scared that saying no will get them in trouble or embarrass them in some way, they’ll say yes. They desperately want to be polite, but someone should teach them that there’s a limit to politeness.
How to Make Saying No Feel Normal
I won’t tell you that this is something that’s done easily or that it won’t make you nervous.
We’ve all been brought up to be respectful towards adults, so this kind of goes against most of what our parents taught us. I get it, trust me. But teaching kids how to say no (and that saying no is perfectly okay) is absolutely necessary. The thing is, it takes time and practice, meaning that it’s something you’ll have to do over the course of a few years.
Home is where you start, so allow your kids to make some choices for themselves (age-appropriate only, obviously).
If you have a toddler, let them choose between the green and the pink cup. If you have a 7-year-old, allow them to choose which chore they’ll do first. As you can see, nothing here will make them spoiled or disrespectful. It’ll make them understand that their wants are important and that the tiny voice inside actually has a say in what happens in their life.
Respectful disagreement is definitely something you need to encourage.
If they disagree with something, why not hear them out? You don’t (and actually shouldn’t) give in every time, but pushback isn’t a crime, and your child should know that.
Role-playing is a handy tool, but only use it when everyone’s calm. Teach your child phrases like “No, thank you” and “I need to check with my parents first.” And if they do something they weren’t supposed to do, don’t get angry.
Stay calm, or you’ll shut them down. Your child has to know that asking for help is always good, even if they don’t know if something’s wrong.
Conclusion
It might look like I’m telling you to raise little rebels, but that’s actually the opposite of what you’ll get. A kid who knows how to set a boundary and what healthy respect looks like won’t be afraid of authority, and he won’t challenge it just to be mean.
The best thing here is not that your child will have an easier time avoiding dangerous situations (which is important, for sure) but that you’ll raise kids who know what’s right and what’s wrong, and who can do things in his own time.
And they’ll take that everywhere – into friendships, jobs, classrooms, sports teams, romantic relationships, etc.
Guest author: Jason Dunlap