You’d think after six children, I wouldn’t worry when someone is slow to meet a developmental milestone. But I still do. Maybe it’s in a mother’s nature to worry and fret. What I can’t figure out is, after a lifetime of so much worry and prayer, we statistically still manage to live longer than our husbands!
My children give me ample opportunities to worry and fret, and it all started with my first boy. It distressed me greatly as a new mother that Joseph didn’t say “mama” by the time he was a year old. In fact, he wasn’t really saying anything except “da da” and “ba ba.” And when he wanted things he would simply point or whine instead of trying to verbalize. Convinced he was having speech delays, I panicked and took advantage of a free in-home visit from the county so they could assess him. The counselor spent nearly an hour with Joseph, watching him like a hawk and running all sorts of tests, many of which included playing with toys. Joseph had a blast!
The results came back in a written report with many pages and so many words that basically said he was indeed experiencing delays. Action was required. But after talking over the results with family and friends, I got the feeling that maybe I’d gone a little overboard. Over and over I heard that children learn and develop at different paces, that boys might be slower to speak, that pointing and making sounds IS communication, and so on. You get the picture. And yes, Joseph began to say his first words just a few months later. In fact, he would not STOP talking. I felt sort of sheepish, but then again, I know I wouldn’t do anything differently given the same situation.
Samuel, my fifth child, caused me a lot of distress because he wouldn’t walk. He pulled up to a standing position at just 4 months and started “cruising” at 7 months so I had high hopes for this boy. Maybe that’s why I was in such turmoil. At a year old he showed no signs of walking. All of my others walked by 13 months. What was wrong? Was he just being a slug? Or was there a physical problem that made walking difficult or impossible?
14 months, nothing. 15 months, still nothing. 16 months, dead in the water. I imagined myself carrying this boy around until he was an old man and ready for a wheelchair. I was 9 months pregnant and due any day. I was also struggling to potty train 4-year-old Benjamin because I did not want to be cloth diapering two plus a newborn!! Oh, and our entire house was crawling with contractors who were installing 19 new windows in our house, both upstairs and down. I went into labor in the midst of all this.
When we called from the Birth Center to announce Susanna’s arrival, my parents asked us “Guess who took his first steps today?”
Yes, Samuel completely held out on me. No, he wasn’t being lazy. He was saving that last little vestige of “babyhood” until the end. He waited 17 long months and for the birth of the “new baby” to take his first step as a big boy. No power on Earth could have made that toddler walk a day earlier. And Benjamin finished potty training just weeks after Susanna came. Also not a coincidence!
It’s really true. They do things in their own time. Should we never worry? No, because every once in a while there really is something wrong that could be fixed or treated with intervention. We learned this when Margaret was born and we knew she was breathing much faster than any newborn should. She also couldn’t nurse and that was not normal. Both were due to severe heart defects that required major surgery.
Yes, it’s always better to trust your instincts and reach out for help and advice. You have nothing at all to lose. Either you’ll be told “it’s normal” or “just wait a little longer” or you’ll find some ways to help things move forward.
Worry may be normal, but nobody wants it hanging around like an uninvited guest that won’t leave. Take action (talk, pray, seek advice) and kick worry out of your house!
First, I want to say that I am relatively new to your blog, and absolutely love it! Second, thank you for this post. My baby (our first!) is two months old and I am already paying way too much attention to those ‘Your Child Week by Week’ books, constantly comparing and analyzing her ‘milestones.’ She is advanced in some areas (she’s been smiling and babbling for weeks) but lacking in some (not really holding her head up while on her tummy). You have reminded me that everything is relative, and as long as she’s growing and healthy, I just have to give her time and let her take on these challenges at her own pace.
God bless you and your beautiful family!
Amanda, thank you so much for writing and taking time to read and comment! I’m glad this post has helped put your mind at ease. I also love reading pregnancy and baby books but they can definitely draw you into the week-by-week or month-by-month mentality so that you get way too wrapped up in the timing of everything. My mother constantly reminds me, just like you did, that if they are happy and healthy AND making progress (even if it’s slow at times), then chances are everything is 100% normal! Anne
Thanks for this great post Anne! It’s so easy with all of the social media and weekly email updates to compare our little ones to others – I have to remind myself that every baby is different and will do things when they’re ready.
I thought about you and your sweet Margaret yesterday during infant & pregnancy loss awareness day.
I also grabbed your button and posted it on my blog, hope that is okay – I’m new to the blogging world 🙂
You’re right about social media, Ruth. It definitely can stir the pot. I want to thank you for remembering our baby Margaret, and also for posting my button on your blog. How gracious of you!! I am visiting your blog right now and will connect with you via Google. God bless, Anne
I also would like to thank you for this post. My mother has been driving me nuts about how my daughter who is 9 months old is not crawling yet. I feel she will do it in her own time. It is really getting me down.
You’re welcome, Jamie! You know, some babies skip crawling altogether and just go to walking. Your daughter might do that, or she just might not be in a hurry. My friend’s little boy waited until a year to crawl. He just rolled around or would drag himself all over the place! And when he finally did crawl, he only did it for a few weeks and then walked.