Zephyr Hill

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8 Ways to Motivate a Reluctant Potty Trainer

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Before you give up on a child that seems unwilling or unable to learn, try these troubleshooting tips for motivating reluctant trainers. And feel free to ask me any questions you like, as I’ve trained eight children so far and it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Next up is two-year-old Camille!

1. Get rid of diapers

Let your child know in advance that all the diapers (and super absorbent trainers) are going away. This helps motivate both of you because there ARE going to be messes on the floor, and the couch, and pretty much anywhere else your learner finds himself.

2. And…..bring diapers back!

Sometimes, the opposite approach works! If potty training has been a rocky experience, talk to your child about bringing the diapers back again in a very matter-of-fact way. “There have been a lot of accidents this week, so we’re going to get the diapers out again.” Some children may surprise you by first accepting and then completely rejecting the proposition, because they see it as a big regression and don’t want to go that far in the other direction. The idea of going back to a “baby” may suddenly seem very unappealing!

Speaking of trainers, buying cloth will save you LOADS of money. Plus, they are softer and more comfortable. My favorites are the affordable bamboo and cotton pull-ups from Imagine Baby; the sides snap fully open to make clean-up easy and there’s a waterproof layer for extra protection. Even better, you can buy a 3-pack for just $29.99!

Imagine Pull-Up Trainer, available at Nicki’s Diapers

3. Re-examine the reward

If candy and stickers aren’t working, go for a more tempting reward. This is something that your child is just DYING to have or do. Make it very clear what this prize is, and remind him of it often. If it’s a toy, you could set it in view but completely out of reach.

BUT not all rewards have to be expensive. Finding the right thing may be all you need. I bought our daughter Ingrid a beautiful little doll with dress-up clothes and set it at the top of our bathroom cabinet. And for many weeks after that, with that tempting prize in plain view, she continued to have accidents. After expressing frustration one day to my teenage daughter, she replied, “Mama, you know Ingrid will do anything for a soft drink.” It seemed absurdly simple, but Catherine was right. Every time her big sister promised her a Coke, Ingrid dutifully went to the bathroom. In just two days she was fully trained. I still gave her that doll, by the way.

And don’t miss the fact that training pants themselves can be a reward. After leaving diapers behind, let your child pick out his favorite prints and colors for the potty training process. Wink Diapers is my go-to source for adorable, affordable bamboo trainers (shown below) in a huge selection of colors. And you can use my code zephyr20 to get a discount of 20% off your purchase!

4. Do not power struggle

Too many times it ends up being a battle of wills, especially with an older child who knows what to do, but just won’t. It’s the same with sleep; you can’t force it on them. Put you can certainly grease the wheels.

So quit talking about it and leave potty-training in his hands for a while. Walk away from the whole thing (this helps ease your frustration and resentment, too, which is a plus!). Don’t remind your child to go. Don’t say anything when he has an accident. Don’t reward or praise him when he does go. Think of it as “his thing.” Some go-getters will react to this by training themselves. In the end, they might have just wanted ownership of the process.

5. Fluids and fiber

Make sure you rule out possible roadblocks to training like constipation and urinary tract infections. We had this happen over the years with two of our girls; both UTI’s and a very full gut can cause accidents/leaking.

Speaking of night-time accidents Nicki’s has stuffable trainers that are great for sleep (below).

Offer lots of their favorite beverages on training days so that when you ask “Do you need to go?” they will more likely answer “Yes!”

Pictured: Nicki’s Brand Overnight (Stuffable) Pull-Up Trainers

6. Forget the mistakes

Every child has setbacks during potty training, but don’t let discouragement (for either of you) take hold. Falling off a few times is part of learning to ride a bike. Mixing up letters just happens when you’re starting to read. And even the best piano players miss a note sometimes. Whenever an accident happens, move on and encourage your child to do the same. Always have a “We’ll do better next time” attitude to ensure your child’s training will not be hampered by distress or anxiety.

7. Too many goals?

The whole potty training thing can seem overwhelming to toddler. It’s something hard that big kids do. Or maybe your child finds it boring and not worth their time. If your child is dragging his feet, give him very simple, attainable goals to work towards so he can experience successes. Some ideas:

  • While he’s playing set a timer. Say “when the timer beeps, I want you to stop playing and go try to use the potty. Then you can come right back to your toys.”
  • Whenever he has an accident, give him something easy to do, even if it’s just flushing the mess down the potty. Thank him for helping.
  • See how many pairs of underwear he can keep dry one day. Set them out in the morning so he can see how many there are, and issue the challenge.
  • Play his favorite song and say “Every time we hear this, we’ll visit the potty!”

8. Remove the microscope

Your child may be willing, but not at all like you breathing down his neck during the learning process. For this child, make everything more accessible so he can handle the basics alone. Designate one diaper pail that he can toss soiled underwear in. Provide wet wipes which clean better than dry toilet paper (limit your child to 2 or 3 and stress that they go in the trash). Teach him to empty the bowl if using a child-sized potty. Have him put away all his clean underwear. A bonus to this approach is that the more your child does on his own, the more he will be motivated to train. He’d rather be playing than cleaning up messes and helping with laundry, right?

Questions? Tips to share of your own? Leave me a comment!

And speaking of shopping for trainers, have you entered the Amazon gift card giveaway that I posted yesterday?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This article was previously published at Tots Family, and has been revised and updated.

Top 5 Potty Training Mistakes to Avoid

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I’ve potty trained four children (so far), and have possibly learned more than my children in the process! Here are a few mistakes you’ll want to avoid:

Don’t be unrealistic. Start with a blank slate, if at all possible. Try to forget those “rules” you’ve always heard. “Girls are easier than boys,” or “Children should be trained by two” or “Using cloth diapers will help them train earlier.” Be careful about establishing timelines (“he’s going to be trained by the time the baby comes”) because you might be setting yourself up for quite a letdown when your toddler doesn’t fall in line. Begin with reasonable, realistic expectations and be flexible with goals. If they train fast and easy, super!! (Lucky you). If not, at least you won’t be crushed and think something is wrong with you or your child.

Don’t pin all your hopes on advice. Be prepared for lots of ideas when your toddler enters this phase. You’ll be told that diaper-free time is THE way to go. Or perhaps candy bribes. Or having your child help clean up the messes with you. “Buying them special underwear or a fun potty always worked for mine” a friend might say. Unfortunately, every child is different and there’s not really a one-size-fits-all approach to potty training. I wish it was that easy! Thankfully, mothers are intuitive and inventive; given time they will discover their child’s motivator, and this will ultimately be the key to success. So take advice for just what it is – ideas you can try out, but not perfect solutions to the problem. It just might be that YOU will come up with the perfect answer. So don’t place too much hope on “surefire” solutions that other parents offer. You’ll just get more frustrated if those methods don’t work.

Don’t buy too much stuff because as mentioned above, you won’t know what’s working until you’ve allowed time for trial and error. I got several packs of Gerber underwear for Benjamin because someone told me they were “the best” for potty training. Little did I know he would be the hardest of all my children to train (he wasn’t done until after his 4th birthday). He had so many accidents every day for such a long time that I quickly put the “big boy underwear” away. I had to order expensive custom, super-absorbent trainers. A friend of mine purchased a colorful and quite expensive potty chair that played music and sounds and seemed like a toddler’s dream. Too bad both of her children were scared of the thing and refused to sit on it! That potty ended up in a closet….and then made its way into the next yard sale. 

NOTE: Many have asked if there’s a certain trainer I recommend. For the active learner (who’s going to the potty regularly but still having some accidents) my favorites are the economical knitted Imagine trainer from Nicki’s (aff). They are soft and comfy, look like underwear, but have a hidden layer of PUL. They will catch a small accident, but if you’re not quick, will eventually wick through to clothes. I used these heavily as our main day trainer. They do seem to run small, probably because the knitted material shrinks a bit. Only one side of the Imagine trainers snaps open and closed; this is to make them look more like “real” underwear. They are tiny little snaps, different from the round Kam-type snaps you usually see on diapers, and once in a blue moon one or two of them will come undone, but this hasn’t been a deal-breaker for me. I like them, I like the price, and they’ve been well-received by our toddlers. For a list of other cloth trainers I’ve reviewed, click here and scroll down.

imaginetrainer3

bubu

Personality is important. A child’s temperament greatly affects the whole potty training experience. Confident, type-A (i.e. choleric) children might thrive on being given challenges or even taking dares (“Let’s see if you can keep your pants dry while you are playing this morning!”) Thoughtful and introspective toddlers who are prone to worry (i.e. melancholic) will benefit from frequent praise and encouragement and be ultra sensitive to any kind of negativity or disapproval from you. Happy-go-lucky types that flit from one thing to another (i.e. sanguine) are going to be so busy playing that potty training might become a boring, mundane interruption. So you might have to make it SUPER FUN for these free spirits! And last of all, the laid-back, careful and peace-loving (i.e. phlegmatic) children just aren’t going to see what the big rush is. Number two messes and puddles on the floor? Hmmm, not really a big deal for them. Learning to use the potty? Can we put that off another day? The slow and methodical phlegmatic needs more motivation than all the other personalities. This is the child you’ll have to kindly and gently “light a fire” underneath, or they may put it off until it’s time to go to school.

Want to learn more about the four temperaments? Read this post!

Don’t lose patience and don’t take it personally! Young potty learners will do things that you will become convinced are meant to drive you to drink. They will make messes right on the floor. They will run and hide when it’s time to go. They will sit on the potty for thirty minutes and then have an accident as they walk out of the bathroom. They will miss and spray the bathroom walls, floor and furniture. They will create a lot of laundry. They will regress just when you’ve put away all their diapers and patted everyone on the back for a job well done. And when you think your patience has been tested to the limit, a few adventurous toddlers will want to put their hands in it, create art with it and quite possibly try to ingest it! So pray for patience; you’ll need loads of it. And try not to take all this personally, although it will be tempting some days to think they are doing all this to punish you.

One last note: If you have a late trainer like we did, it might help to invest in some potty training aids like a toddler mattress protector (I like this cotton-topped one) and/or bed pads (toddler sized).

What have you learned from potty training your children?