Tantrums usually peak in the toddler years, and by that I don’t mean “the terrible two’s.” Defiance can rear it’s head even before a child reaches the age of one, and why should that surprise us, human nature being what it is?

Modern magazines and parenting books usually offer the same type of advice. Either ignore the tantrum  or get down on the child’s level and attempt to reason. Don’t do either of these things. Hahaha!

• Ignoring (or distracting) a child who’s having a tantrum is evasive and weak. You’re missing out on a teachable moment, the chance to show him that tantrums will not be tolerated and that emotions can be controlled. Yes, I know, they are young, but baby steps, right? Ignoring is also ineffective because many parents don’t realize that children don’t just throw tantrums for attention. More on this below!
• Trying to reason with a young child has its limits. We’re mostly dealing with 1 and 2 year olds at this point, and children are not communicating well at that point. Besides, am I the only one who finds it extremely difficult to have a calm and rational “discussion” with a child who’s screaming and flailing on the floor? 😉

Why do tantrums happen?

Most children don’t throw tantrums just for attention. They throw fits because they are angry or frustrated. Something didn’t go their way. Someone didn’t give them what they wanted.  A toy didn’t work the way it should. Whatever the reason, they “lose it” and collapse under weight of uncontrolled emotions. It’s rage, hurt feelings or defiance, or sometimes a lovely mix of all these. And this very small and immature person is begging for a firm and loving response from the parent.

You can, and should, teach your toddler that a tantrum is not an acceptable way to deal with anger. This is true for all of us, right? Ever seen an adult throw a tantrum? It happens, and it ain’t pretty. Society will thank you for instilling these lessons early on. And contrary to modern pop psych, it’s not kind or loving to allow children to have tantrums and become victims of their own emotions. They need and want loving discipline.

The traditional and time-tested approach to tantrums is a common sense one.

• Tantrums are not acceptable.
• We begin early to teach our children how to deal appropriately with harmful emotions.

Can you give an example of how to deal with a tantrum?

Yes, but first think about how you react to other behaviors in your home that are not acceptable. You stop it in its tracks. Teach and discipline the child in an age-appropriate way. And hold the line. Let your no mean no.

Scenario One: Being Told No

Let’s suppose my toddler wants some juice. I say to him “Ok, just a minute.” He falls on the floor and begins to whine and cry because he has to wait. I very swiftly pick him up and make him stand. “No!” I tell him very firmly. He starts to whine and cry again, but before he can fall on the floor, I grab him so he can’t. “No falling out!” I say, looking him in the eye to show I mean business. I repeat this until he’s quiet and standing and willing to listen. Then I say “Can you wait just a minute for your juice?” If he pouts or doesn’t answer, I’ll coach him. “Say, yes, Mama.” After he says it nicely, I will tell him “That’s good. Next time, I want you to be a sweet boy like that. Ok?” This whole process might take a while and that’s ok. Learning is a process, and the younger you are the longer it takes.

While addressing the child, do not get down on the floor or on your knees in what I call the “submissive pose.” Yes, it’s fine to lean down and address a very small child, but it’s most effective if you tell him to look UP at YOU. You are older and bigger and you should use these assets in your favor. If necessary, physically model or reinforce the behavior you are expecting (be quiet, be still, stand up, etc).

Scenario Two: Anger Outbursts

Another scenario. My toddler is playing with his toy. His baby sister comes up and takes it. He screams bloody murder and a tug-of-war ensues. Both are now screaming in anger. I tell him “No screaming!” and if he doesn’t stop, I come over and give him “the look” while again telling him to stop screaming. If he doesn’t obey, he’s disciplined. If he’s quiet, I will then begin to mediate. “Let go of the toy.” Now I will teach him to say “please” or something else nice to the baby, and see if she will hand it over. If not, I will ask her myself (this often works because it’s Mama). She gladly gives it to me with a smile. I hand it to my son and teach him to say “thank you!” to his sister. I will then remind him “Next time be a sweet boy to your brothers and sisters. They love you!”

Scenario Three: Defiance

My toddler has a dirty diaper and is playing in the living. I come up and say, “uh oh, let’s put down the toys; it’s time for a change!”  My son starts to whine as I put him on the changing table; he obviously does not want this. As I begin the change, he wiggles and protests. At this critical juncture, it can be ok to dangle a toy or something for distraction, as you tell the child to be still and he complies. But more defiance warrants discipline. Why would you let a blatant challenge go unanswered? This undermines parental authority and will end up burning you in thousands of ways over the coming days…and years. Like I said before, baby steps.

Whatever you do, don’t forget consistency! Sticking to your guns is as important as dealing with the tantrum itself. That means repeating these scenarios 100 times if necessary. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Some young children, depending on temperament, take a long time to learn any given lesson. And the moment you throw your hands up, then they know you aren’t as committed as you should be.

Swift action, physical discipline and instruction DO work. They are time-tested methods, and thousands (if not millions) of years old. One day, your child will stop giving into fits of anger. One day he’ll ask you for help with a toy instead of throwing it across the room – or at another child! One day you will hear him ask “Could I have my car back?” instead of yelling and shoving his brother to the ground. One day you will tell him “No, we can’t buy that today,” at the store and he’ll ask “Maybe for my birthday?” instead of crying and screaming as you put it back on the shelf.

Got questions or comments about tantrums? Please post below!